i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
