peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
