K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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