People in love make me want to vomit
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
