just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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