Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
