we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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