The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
