he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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