Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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