you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Randomize
