My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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