Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
