Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just found a bag of teeth...
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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