So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
