who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Randomize
