I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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