Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
