It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
