my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
