I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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