mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
