She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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