Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
pray to the hookup gods
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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