his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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