I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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