Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
