just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
