My Higher Power is John Stamos
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
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