i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
