If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
