But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
