this beer tastes like vomit already
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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