that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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