Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
