I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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