i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
my liver is dry heaving
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
