After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
