Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
