There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
