I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We just shotgunned beers for America
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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