enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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