Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
