Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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