guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
