Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
