I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
