So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
