yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
