I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
